I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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