I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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