last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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