I can't breathe out the right side of my face
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Randomize
