I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
