benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
