Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
