I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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