my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
