I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
