it was like his penis was on wheels.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
