and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
