she told me i tasted like america
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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