I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
