Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
