just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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