this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
