When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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