does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
