where am i from again
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
