My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
