first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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