I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
