So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
