My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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