That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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