i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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