I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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