I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This is my gift to your gina
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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