What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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