I want to have your abortion
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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