i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
