I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Can you bring me the toilet please
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
