I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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