I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
