if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
