If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize