You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
