My liver just broke up with me...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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