Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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