Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
