This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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