I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
