I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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