How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
