the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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