i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
