Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
