My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
