come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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