can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
