i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
