do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
