Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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