thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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