Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
